12/6/2023 It's December. Hello, my friend convinced me to write this, also (jan luu) happy almost birthday! This is my probably really bad LTE. I don't particularly want to spell check any of this... But honestly I think I can out write my friend pretty fast, I'm notably good at saying a lot and noting at the same time. At least that's what I've been told. Its 3am and I should go to sleep but that's scarier than the pain of staying up. I was just thinking about that time I had my adenoids removed. I was in my pajamas, I wanted water but my parents said I couldn't eat or drink before the surgery. When the doctors pulled out the gas mask, they asked which flavor I wanted. I, not wanting root beer or mint flavored air, chose bubblegum. The 2 nurses I remember being in the room smiled as they placed it around my face. And they pushed it down. I wasn't prepared to do that right then. I cried immediately as the disgusting paper-bag/plastic smell entered my mouth, infesting my lungs. I can't forget the way they counted down, "1, 2, 3, ," I struggled, trying to stop it, reaching out to the cheerful adults. The small second after 3 faded to black like the end of a cartoon. I had barely a moment in the dark to try to understand what to do. and suddenly, in an unmoving body I awoke. The same pajamas, the same hospital bed, but a completely different room. Time hadn't felt like it passed. My mom was smiling on the side, I teared up and tried to inhale as though I would still be suffocated from gas, and a horrible burnt stench filled my nose. I could feel the smoke inside my face. Immediately the horror had my body sag and I realized they burnt it away. I wouldn't choke on snot for the next few years. A part of me misses the idea though. Of existing, of living as my sick self. It feels gross talking about that kind of problem. Snot bags (adenoids) in the cavities, in your face, blocking your airways. Everyone was relieved it was gone, and I couldn't help, not really feeling there. I was given a popsicle and we drove home in my dads truck. The seats were soft as always, The back of the car is flat and so I was pressed strait against its wall. I think they said I was brave.
Is starting with a depressing story a bad idea for an LTE? Probably, but it sure does fill some space! I'm thinking about music. I'm listening to a song on repeat. I really should sleep, I have late work to do. Oh, and my pronouns are They/them unless you disagree, then call me whatever you want I guess and you can call me Red! not that anyone reading this would call me. Or refer to me.... um. Sonic the hedgehog, am-I-right? I was just watching an hour long documentary about chao. They are the made up creatures that inhabit the Chao Garden in Those sonic games or something. The person was talking about their technical game stuff, it was interesting but i prefer discussing the nonsense story behind it all. The "Chaos" are fay like creatures, think, a blue orb, with orb limbs, and a teardrop head, and wings. It also has a floating orb above its head. The floaty orb is yellow, and changes into a heart if they're happy, or a spike if they are evil. Which is apparently something they can do. The magic gardens are nice, but time is a little warped when you enter a chao cave. They're called Chao's because they are part of a god-like entity, and magical force labeled chaos. What's insane is no characters in the current story know this, they pronounce it like chow as well. The little guys have no gender and lay eggs sometimes if they headbut another chao careing-ly. Chaos is like a water demon thingy, chaos energy is magic or something, and chaos emeralds are magic DIAMONDS. only one is green, if we don't count the MASTER EMERALD. Anyways, capitalize or whatever made the protectors of said master emerald try and harvest the power for... war purposes? something like them wanting to scare off possible enemies and get a taste of ultimate power. Only one gal was not into that, and summoned the water demon guy or something. I wasn't really paying attention to well, but chaos gets sealed into the master emerald, the chao go into hiding, somewhere along there the chao form a black market, (if you go to my page you can access the dark web btw) Anyways, master emerald brakes temporarily and chaos gets let out, gets all evil, but main character syndrome kick in and sonic obliterates the demonic corrupted chaos. In case you are wondering, I'm typing this directly into neocities and the style is chaos. Anyways, The magic system is op and I'm planning to research it so i can understand what made the blue boi blue. But that's a topic for another 4am. Goodnight.
12/23/2023 Ow, owch my eyes. When i was in like- thhhirrrd? grade... uhh I came up with a story, and i worked on it (only in my mind) till around 7th, i think. So baceicly I should write it out, or at least exlaine it here, becuae the story is LONNNGGGGGg! And it dose not make sence, its got many plot holes, but thats ok. So baceicly [time is 1:08am] There is a house, its a white house with wooden exterirere. And in there, lives a lady and her husband, shes aroud 42 and he is like 51, and they met later in life, when she was around 34. And they want a faimly, so they adopt a girl and her older sister. This girls name is Daylight, but i realised thats wired so pretend shes actuly named Sola. And her oldersister is Midnight, but I realsied thats dumb and so its soething like... uhhh Maz. sure- and so Sola is 7, and Maz is 9, and they dont look verry blood related but im prity sure they are. Maz has a verry pail skin, green/gray eyes, black hair, and she dresses qwite plain. Shes verrymuch a people pleaser, and gose with the folw. Sola couldnt be more difrent in personality, she is bold eazly angerd and verry opinoyinated, she had orange hair and freckles, blue eyes, qwite skiny, and even shorter compared to her oldly tall sister. Maz, as the older sister, had a lot of preshuer on here to take care of everything, expecitly sence her parents were much older than the avrage kids. As they grow up, The ladys husband died (i think the faimlys last name was something like Tomson. And so Ms.Tomson sent them to a charter school like bording school place? Were Maz baceicly intrialises the strickt rules from there, while tryin her best to protect here litle sister, but Sola is HATEING this, she thinks everyone baybeis her, and as they bacicly start highschool together, and go back home, she realsies everyone likes her "perfect" sister WAYYY more. At fist Maz likes the kind atention, but realsies that a lot of the guy atentiun was because they want to date her, and her demi-ace self is terififed now. She dosenet know shes gay, she dosent know what gays are, and she thinks she needs to be in a relaisonship with on of the dudes. So she trys to not regect the unwanted moves. (my hand iches for some reson ahhhhhhhhh) But shes suffering horibly, ad can barly pass her classes, but she overworks herself after school BAD. Sola is angry at the world and her mom still bairly pasys atention to her, but because shes yougher, she cant leave the house when she gets home, unlike Maz who stays in her room by choise. So nobody REALY talks to eachother and its worse with there dad gone, he defnitly didnt care for them, but it was beter than the ruthluss rules of Ms.Tomson. And neather girl has any friends, sure people talk to Maz, but she dosent dare tell them about herself. She ovoiseds geting close incases it ends up like her sister who hates her. But now its spring brake, and Maz dosent have a buch of work so she gose out to "the park" she says. And Sola decided she wants to make a real friend, shes mad them before, but the moving and anger isues hasent let her keep fridns well. shes bizy riping up the regurler shcool uniform, and realsies that from her windo, she can see into the nayburs room. She sees a girl with a short brown bob, with hazl eyes,
12/24/2023, so ops, i fell asleep last time i was wrighting, anyways, is it ok if i spell check this all later? Because I want people to be able to read my horible writing, (its 2:29am) AHHHHH not sleeping for a whole day or so uhhh the efects are hiting, my eyes are blury, sence whn was it silver week? alsow THE ART! they made the ofial art, its of shadow, and his in a lil trench coat, and looking at blue shoues, wich is obviusly a parillele, makeing him think of that time he wached his sister die, but as me and the rest of sonic obsesesd tumbler put it, he realy likes heels, and he wants to bought them. But yea, i thought it was strange how much silver art was being made, turns out it was the canon silver week, LOL. As an artist.... i realy want to draw some to, STOP JUDEING ME FOR EASLY wantin to induge in art trnds! Ahhhh (all readers turn on me now) i should stop writing so late, like im crazy BUT NOT THIS CRAZY! i sware, um. Oh and its chismas tomaro, cool! i got my mom a basket, and coffy, so u filld the basket with the coffy things,and then fake wraped it to look likw a gient coffye cup. Im sad that i barly got anything for people. yes. yeah. ok ill stop now and go to bed before i make another 48 hours of awakenes or smth... GOOD slep. WAIT tell me how to space my parigrafs plz, its not workin D: ok now good night, bye. nvemrind, i want to tell yoyu this, i think i will have the worst Longest text ever. AND I HOPE I WIN if thats a catigory of winnin. the G key dosent work well, i also natuly talk like that, without prenounsing all the sounds. im also dyslexic, writing is like me worst skill, therfor i think my text will be longest unless spelling is super improtant, also everthing i say is dumb. Mouth.
ODONTODACTULS SCALUS. best animal, secod best? Maind wolf. anyways my eyes are litlery bluring, gn.
1/2/2024 So... my last thing did NOT SAVE i wrote it on the 1's, yesterday... aaaaaaa... i want to eat and talk so ill write more later maybe. Its later, its dnd now. im in da club. tip: if u gitur with nails it will brake nails. note: i dont know what sharp in sound vs. pitch means. But its something with vibrations. i am unconsius? they are to close together. uhhhhhg wirdos being in love (they are strange) My movie is broken forever Endevers. I don't eat sand. Therfore, God will take all of the sticks in the world and we will explode, my art teacher told us we were going to make a tribuit piece and i could only think of the hungergames, wops, i dont have anyone i want to tribut to, or how, or why so what. Im sad cuz i put some random writing into my lte yesterday but its gone now and i can't add more too it, i saw a picture of a character runing thruh a field and theyer was leafes, and i liked the face expreshion, and colors of the picture, and i wanted to write about that sean but i can't write outside of 1's person, like at all, my wrighting sucks, and so i didn't, and it was ok, not the best. But then i have to go home, boooo, i dont wana. I would rather be... idk not pertictulry in class or in lunch bc i like when i have something to do, but like not when people care about what im doing, and i have no other hobbys than art and randomly writghting, but thats difcult and omnis. empty space filld with nonsence. Its beter then tring to figure out what to eat, i have no idea what to eat or how to make my head stop feeling empty, in a lertal sence, i wish my head was empty, but its not and thus i must focuse on thw phiscal symptms before mental ones i think. Its hard to say things i think because I know just how often people want me to explane, asking is worse because then theyd need me to explane what im asking. Stop reading and drink sime water (or flaverd water) There is one qwestion, Should i wait for the right time, for when the tide setlets , or must I run against the lashing waves in the cold sea to swim? I DONT know what i want to eat at all, i could tell you this, but id rather not move my mouth i likke knowing my actions are un-knoticed, and if i move in a way were it aperes i am foucsed then you dont reply. isnty that Cool facts. Tired eye, tiered talk two times the water. 3x the back pain, my sholders hurt and i want to change something but nothing will be beter befor it gets worse yk? thats just how unexplaible sholder pain gose, So how long do you think i need to write befor- idk. SENCE WHEN ARE THERE 3 uhhh buttens. its even later, I RECOVERD THE ENTREEE!!!!!!!
POSTED ON THE 2D STILL(1/1/2024,) OMG ITS NOT PAST 12am!!1 finaly, my first entry that isent stupidly writen late!!! its like 9 tho, JACOB AND THE CATS. that sounds like a band i would lisent to if it was real. I like cheek face, and tally hall, and concreat leaf, and cry wank, and lemon demon. Those are all bands. BACK TO ME, so I have done not a lot of what i need too (by standerds of SCHOOL). Also It was my birthday wow. and I HAD... uhhh ICE-SCATEING scateing. scate, skait, skcait, skateing. AND LOK at my wriin: It’s mid day, the nightmares priest but I got out. I ran through the tall grass, the bushes, till I reached the shaved land near the road. Buttercups and daisies tickle my nose and arms when I squat out of view. Wind lashes from behind me as I lean forward. And, the motorcycle? It’s gone now. I knew she was sick of me, I knew nobody would ever stay! {end of wrighting} so i wrote that cuz i saw art and it made me think of it.
ITS STILL THE secound of jan or something, but i want to say, I totaly forot homopobic kids existed!! UHHGG my brother got bulied by this stupid homophic kid, and i used to know his supid homipobic brother, well i didnt know he was at the time, but he was a total... jack hammer as s. I told my bro to not aruge with him nect time, just tell him to shut up. ALSO MY CAT IS LAYING ON MY PILLOW!! adorible but i wish she'd lay, anyware els. Im going to eat potstickers yay. i got sonic murch for my birthday. yes. no. so. im gona eat now good byeeyeyeyyeyeyyeyeyeeeee.
1/2/2024 wow, wow, I was all like: i should be more ok with vonrablity, cuz nobodys hates me, nobodys gona be mad at me for making mistakes and not understaning things! I was walking throuh the chairs with my groop, imagen a theater like seting, And this girl who probibly hates me bc im weird, turns around in the most anoied angry voice ever, loudly anouses: Move. I knew i couldnt walk back because theere were too many people that way, and in panic, i realised i was tall enuf to step over the chair without even tuching it ( I stepd over a chair and in the center of the largest room in our school, full of everyone in my grade, and the main tech guy, YELLEs at me, verry angryly, everyone gose qwite, my frind in my groop had also stepd over the chair (she is also tall) and he was so ragefull or (in his opion) DISREPECTFULL guesture, and hes just repeatdly yelling "DON'T STEP OVER THE CHAIRS" like hes chanting it, i could take it onces, but mutiple non stop scream at the top of his lungs, i wished to hide, not fully out of emarsmet but fear, and as i huryed away to the other side of the room i I was unable to speak & started crying like an idiot. I always understamate the comfert that coms form being sean crying and then not be considerd anyoying and my friend gave me a hug, thankyou. and then in APgeogrify (idk the one with places and stuff) uhh bacicly the teacher calld us jack[hammer]as-es. And said we wer "stupid or soleless for cheating on the tests and ya woulnt have that many problems if ya simply talked to her XP!" and so like its so qwirky and all but like talking to beaple inabout things they may be disapointed in me for, even an email, kinda makes me, lol, CRY. like STOP TALKING. like, i kinda ^w^ yk, feel teible! and its embasing to tell the person that too, bc nobody belives me and they make me explaine it sooooo- anyway those were the terifing parts, a nicer thing is the dome is coming along well, it will catch fire soon, and i thred a piece of paper into a piece of paper, to make a paper bag without tape or glue n stuff!! most my friends like to draw.
1/8/2024 when is the last time you had a frind who was much younger than you? when was the last time you had friends older than you? what about same aged friends? For most of my childhood, it was younger friends, and this one older girl who lived in the aparment acrost form me, turns out she was mentaly disabled, and turs out so was I... But nobody knew the second part yet. Both her mom and me agreed it would be nice for us to hang out because i was signifivly nicer than the avreage 3-5yearold. I think she was one of my first realy older friends, finaly one of the other preschoolers became a frind of mine, she was the coolest in my eyes, her aparmnet had a pool she got to use whenever! and she invidted me over, but once preschool ended, we werent friends anymore. Then my litle brother was born, and I was expected to always play with him, wich for the most part i did. But as elementy school contiuned i was less "frineds" but more... a person they talked to, maybe they thought of me as a frined, but i wasnt very trusting of my peers, my best friends were the younger kids, and the outcasts. I didnt pice together that it would posibly make me an outsider. I was just a litle louder, and qwiter than avrage. I hid my problems, a "good student" dispite almost failing a lot. I felt bad that I'd leave my younger friends when I passed thro grades and schools, but I was often more dredfull when I didnt miss them, A heavy gilt because it was like that friendship ment nothing, even thouh it did. I was known spisifly for *not* bullying people... And I woun't staart fights with the younger kids, I knew all to well what its like to be considerd strange, and how painfull it was to fight with frinds. 6th grade was difremt, I was once again the youugest in school, I only had friends my age, I even knew people older than me! This was an insaine experince- which was qwickly ruined... ANYWAYS yk how it gose, people hate me, then the pandemic gose on, so Im back, and i actuly make firends, who actuly cared abotut me 0o0 *insert mind exploshin emojie* and in this issane feet, i got beter at having firneds! I had more friends, I KNEW PEOPLe (my age) and they CARED about me!! sadly this realy was a revluinary idea to me. And then I had, kinda friends, with people, older than me. That changed everthing, realy. I had always ben in this dinamic, of befriending and being there for others, and then poeple were being there for me???? this was insaine! and now, like one of the most coolest and understandign people I know, who is older than me, is going to go. there graduwating. I cant do anything about it, and I am sad about it. (im on the bus an a fire truck just passd by hope nobody on fire in this rain storm lol) ... (i ligetely just told someone congradulation on the loss of hair..PLEASE I JUST WANT TO WRITE ME OVERSHARING MY LIFE EMOTIONALY ahhh. anyways, ) I think i feel even more gulity for not keepign those friends who were younger now. and I dont want to put that presher onto my older friend, and im going to apligise to them for somthinh un related to this, omg its monday. While im lising to the song of crayola, i will write other things now, I see someone with a camra shaped coffy mug lol. Now how many times do you see a pumkin and think, oh shith thats no pumpkin, thas a pig mask. hands are nothing but solem bits of limb we must atend to to atend to our life.
We broke the fourth wall and now we must dimalish it all, never can I go back and chillax, never can I see the story of my life without a comedic lens. Tell me the lies, we hide within our bones, I have diverted the words from informative to intuitive scribbles on digital paper. Apologies for insanity, i’d much rather put my free fall in images, I've lost something dear tho, something to attach to, something with an azule scented cover, and a plasticy taste. I'm sorry for the miscommunication but I wasn't talking to you. Hand me my eyes, so I can see myself in the 2’d dimension. Thank you once again for staring into the wind related tears we call a toothy smile and a hint of gums. A gap where my sole should be, no it’s just me.
(1/26/2024) what the actuel fruk did i write.... uhhh ok. so i guess nevermind. Amny mway, If i use another random transtion in my wrighting I will have to update my pronounes. Therefore somewhat he him she they I us you me. pro-nouns or pro-choise? I can't decide, cuz that rights gone again too. What the god are my words. Someone should never let me near a key bord again. How are you reading this with your face? Soooo should I, i dont know... I kinda forgot the point of puting meaning into words, And now I want your ears to be gresey with my writen statements. Don't trust a pathalogical lier. exept im not bcause I know my lies are lies, or maybe I just hate the *way* I tell the truth. Words are easly regetable and ive said a lot of crap resently. So lets start with a fresh page! just kiding, that would defet the purpus of all thies chacters, iv'e got to win the most words you should know! I wonder how much is just in my head, I wonder how much is my fault. 5 without the fff is vieve, now remove the ve at the end, and you get vie, and now teh, but write it with an i, vieti-men. Is that how you spell it? Vietimen D defishencey (there is no d in m-e) but like, in a saveir way. sa-v-e-i-rrr savire? idc. So anyways, this litle helth thing is mostlyikely the cause of a lot of my helth isures i kep complaining about and wached others push it to the side, speacking of complaining, look at me. ha, you can't. unless you know me, but if you know me just ignore that. Ive got too much time not on my hands. hands, abslutly strange. theres more to this, a lot more but I cant wright right now, I have many thoguths i want to put here but i need to wait for that ok. uhghh i sware everthing i can say could be said but i am atlost for thoguth, if you are thinking about the word i say, make sure rember I need you to know you exist corectly.
(2/1/2024) Immmmm supppppperrrr sick. Like, ill. But, I realy didnt want to miss the trip to the art musiem. So i went 2 school even tho my nose was cartoonishly runny. I missed the day before, and i'll probibly miss tomorow. They were supost to be on that bus with us, but they are, dead. Our art teacher said, she couldn't bring herself to remove the name from the list, even when other teachers told her to do that. Im glad she told us about that. It seams almost all the staff, and most the students are just trying to move on, because it would be incovinet to freez over everything. But, I think thats what she thought would happen. I think when someone kills. themself. They think the world will move on. and forget. But thats not realy how that works. Dieing dose not mean you did not live. It dosent cansel out your efect on the world. And Im glad to know we wont forget them. I wont be able too. I heard someone say that, there arnt sighns. I wasn't realy a friend, but I like to notice people. And I noticed how they came to class late, and sat down. And avoided eyecontact, wich would look natral, not purpusfull, but as someone who is verry preformitive, I noticed right away. I knew who they were too. They were funny, and joked a lot, and talkd to teachesrs, even when it anoied the teachers, and they talked to the people around them, and they wore cool outfits. They smiled a lot, and they danced, and they brought up others. And I wont forget them. I wish they were here, but also I dont care more or less about them when they were alive. I guess I belived the idea that people love someone more once its too late, but thats not true. I hope one day I can bring flowers to their grave. Oh, I bet this will be a tughf tone change for anyone reading as it is for me who's wrighting, But I wana talk more about the Art musiem. It was coooooooool!!! I wont metion the full name bc it was kinda local, but It was focusing on black artists work, I noticed a lot of focuse on the body, tetures, sillowets, and shells. Spicificly Cowrie shells, wich are a big part of meny african cutures. I realy loved the collage picese, and the patern work, OMG PATERNS ARE MY FAVEEE!!!!!! i love paterns, i love lines, i iiiiiii am . paternss. collage looks like college. luckly college is said and spellt like lege, like ledge. so i can maybe rembere it. Also, I hope to god he dosent ever find or read this, but the dude who is reallly prity, and in my art class was there, and he talked to me, and then later on in math, he , went up to me and talked to me, wich is supriseing and verry cool and i would never be in love and also am an idiot i dont know what your talking about. Did I mention hes an amazing artist? Did I mention im an artist- Did i mention i am obsesed with art??? well, you could guess that part by now. ummmmm so yea, we talked, but i was so verry verry sick and dieing that i had to run away to trash my mask becasue my nose was runing so bad, i snesed like 7 times durning the showcase, but I think sence I tryed to hide the fact it was my discustiong face makeing me leave in a hurry that he thought i didnt want to talk to him... q-q Ok, now ive fished wrighting all that i can do normal things like talk 2 frineds, byeeee.
(2/3/2024) its 1am, i hope your doing ok, love you. If your not doing grate thats ok too, i, or at least my lte is here for you. your gona do grate C: !!! I have an odly spisific fanticy, a secret yet emence disire. To run to the edge of the ocen, a clif in a beach, and scream. Scream will all my lungs, all my hart, all my life. Maybe i will even run into the water. But i want to let go. i dont need to wait for tite to begin changeing. I try and protect people, and myself in turn, but im alwas a secndary thought. Its always "Get throught it" Thats my goal. And thats an aful goal. Like the chick sam from supernatial kinda thought was hot but was to distrated by the evile painting, said: I could get hit by a bus tomorow. There in no point in reaching a goal if I only like the end, thats not how fuffliment works. Im sorry too the peole I knew and let go because I coulnt take having relationships and simletaiusly hope for a good futiure, and im sorry to myself for beliveign I had to choses. Ive thought this way for so long, why? MAn i love wrighting, well realy just the part were i brake the sentece into a set up and then a qwestion/comnet to the set up. ITs cheesey and I use it too much but its too late to stop now, right- like I could genuwinly have put a . there but i didnt. or even a "..." you know? it may be the couhf medicen, the music, or a random sence of intunishen but i totaly belive i understand life rn. This is why you dont buy off brand vershions of medicen, even of its cheeper. I just realised the music was not looped, oops. I wonder if an isot like me can actuly learn an instrment qwicly? honesly i might just be a disapoinment. there is a mirror in my room, i need to clean my room. I havent brushed my teeeth in a while and i have a dentist apointment soon- I gess ill be disapointing a lot a people then! yayyyy(said with 0 enthusiaseme/unpositively) I need to make a longer entry i think, like a lot of long entryes. then i will have the longest text evers. Did eveere tell you about ADHD. I have a diagnosese. Im happy I do, It let me to uncover a lot about reality. But also, It lets me notice myself in a way were I realise who i am is what i am and how much of me is already there. I didnt realy think i was person, but in acctuwaly there simply wasent words for me. There isent a comen word like emo, gay, geek, teachers pet, loner, strong, that discribes the way i felt lost most of the time, it made me belive there was an end gole, I thought i would soon fit into a cadiory, even if it was a new one, but the truth was i have always ben a real person. Why are my words powerd my emotions, my thoughts? they twist and turn, devleping befor my very hands. Why let anyone see my intment sentences? intment may seam like be wired as it relates to relashenships but I guess we all have a relation ship with our words. For example, there is a chance you read that and thought "dose this crazy person fuc words?" no, i dont. I hate word tbh. But stiill, only I know what thoughts were behind them, and only I can qwicly forget them. Not on purpus! ITs just, so many thoughts are behind them, and ther all intertwined. I wish I was a guy like dean sometimes. A guy whith a face that stays prity still. but anyways, back to adhd. I ... actualy nevermind, i gpta gooo by by.
(2/8/2024) I cleaned my room. my hands are shaky. I did some of the work I need to do. Will I still draw if I go blind? I want someone to know I'm feeling. That's all. - I'm cracking and complaing about the shell that cuts my side. I wrote that lol. um. Sonic the hedgehog time? yea, sonic the heagehog time. So, There is the metal viruse, When tuching orgainc mater, it transforms it into robotic parts, robots. The trasformation take a phiscal form, and when its compleat it takes comands the husk to do the given comand. Witch in this case, is to spred! The more phisical contact someone/something has with the infected, the faster it spreds. So far, the only cure was to run at sonic speed, but jk its no cure! It simply reverses the efects, with minamal contact it can fully take over a mobian in say, 20-15 ish minuts. smaller things, like bugs & grass take like min or less. Repreated contact, lets say it grabs onto you, its going to increse the rate of spreding, but once it lets you go, it gose back to the orignal ratio, just now more compleate. So anyways, Badnicks, (bad robots made by the doc) Are powerd by a small criter, comenly a flicky, wich looks like tweety bird from tom an jerry, and ocaionaly has a bow/bowtie. Thises robots dont have memories of the criter, but it dose create a new sole, sometimes. The smaller less programed robots, like think romba but evile, wont make a whole new spiret, nor expernece thoughts or fealings. Sometimes they dont even need a flicky! this gose for drones, lazer fireing things, automatic doors and computers, transforming chambers, and divises that rewqire piloting. Now, badnicks with criters, wich are a ton of them, uswaly arent on front lines, but qwicker mishions such as retreving stuff, capturing peopel/ things, or gaurding. the ones with soles and a lot of thougth are noteable by there ablity to retreate, and have names. they are uswaly closeer to the docter, like a personal butler, chef, assistent, note taker type deal. Or they piolet other robots, or just... go? Sometime they just go do stuff.... Anyway, theres two more, thisw ones dont just make qwips, and stradigys, but have feelings, they can have friends, and kinda just are people who wont bleed blood, but oil. and they can be repaired. The two catigorys here are, ones who are forever loyal & free will having ones. The ones with simpaler jobs, often have more free will as they are less likley to need a reson to do them. But ones with intent of murder, will uswaly feal complied to obay or worship the robotnic empire! They may not even like fightigntign or gaining power, but its just how theyer wired. The most intresting case in my opinon, is Metal Sonic. He is named and disighnd off of Sonic. With the ablity to just about match the blue blur in speed, and in looks, he becomes qwite difrent from the other badnicks. other than the obviuse robotic look, he difers with shorter sharper strait spikes, and has black eyes with red puepils, his abdmen has a hole, were occastionaly there is a chaos emreld. He also has no mouth, and only speaks a few times throut the series, one being were he "evolves" his form. In the sonic ova he was made from copied dna [they call it life data], and thoughts from Sonic, Wich let him ick up maniresims and fighting skills.They call him Hyper Metal Sonic. He made a "beep beep" wich aperntly Sonic could understand as "this world isnt big enughf for the both of us and one of us has to go" After more fihtigning inuses, Metal- well, he gose to the "old man" who is an owl guy, and puts "sonics favorit cloths" on the owl dude. I dont know if this was a mistranslaion or it just is supost to spite the blue blur. Then he gose to compleate his goal of, BLOWING UP THE OVERWORLD??? with golbal wormin of something, hes trying to triger a volcanic exploshion. Tails is trying to goinside metals memory bank, and let in sonics personality... idk Metal blows up something, and then sonic is there, and then they fight more- and then this line pops up: "You might know everything I'm going to do, but thats not going to help you sence I know everything your going to do! Strange isent it?" but dispite this, metal isnt worn out like sonic, and get an uperhand, tails starts transfuring- something- and so metal gliches, and get punched away. Sonics still tired and hes ingord, then the prezedent is there, and about to blow up, but sonics to hurt, and dosent get there in time, sudendly metal pulls them out to safty unharmed, but hes like torn up bad, and falls into the valcic pit, sliding down into the lava, sonic jumps in after trying to pull him out as his friends yell for him to come back, beliving metal will pull him into the lava, but as there finaly closeenuf to grab, metal slaps sonics hand away, directly tranfuring a mesage (i think) saying "there is only one sonic-" and then lets himself melt into the lava. as Sonic screams out at his death. It cuts to later, Sonic is sad, and qwite, but the others kinda just poke him and say chear up! And then they get distracted and run off. WHAT DOSE THIS MEAN??? What the heck, Metals goal was to blow up the world and stop/kill sonic, did he think he was sonic? no, he says theres only one, and dies. So what happend? I think metal realised he dosent want to hurt the world or its people after seeing it all through sonics life and personality, Bacicly he gulpd a bunch of new emotions such as hope or love for the world, and he too, wants it to live peacefully. So why not grab sonics hand? Like he said earlire, the worlds not big enuf for the two of them, one has to go, he didnt let go of thise fealings or memories. He belives that this world should exist, and that sonic diservs to live, so he, metal, leaves inorder to protect sonic, who wanted to protect metal. THE END. the truth is, i dont think they put that much thought into this, plus its a dub. But it puts an intresting lens to view the CURENT cannon Metal. I would tell you more, but my arms are shaky and i need to memorise some asl stuff, for my class tomorow :( i hope i do well because I want to learn to be fluent in asl and this is a big asinment in my class. I'm also learning 3d modling sometimes. Also I may have two tests to redo for geografy but I havent read the text all for it. I need to stufy that too i guess then, I cleand my room and brushed my teeth, but now i have to keep cleaning, and brush my teeth again tonight, and thats a lot of tasks, and im tired, and i am somehow supost to also talk to people and soltialise. I love having friends and family, but keeping up with people, and spending time, and taking care of myslef, and takein classes, its hard to balence. Sometimes I want to be alone again, because Relasionships that work well, only work when both sides try, but im woried because I'm so boring, and so weak, that when i try to get beter at life i won't be strong enuf to put efort twards the amazing people in my life. Or I will put my efort into people, but I wil get worse and leach off them. That dosent mater tho because its just a scarry thought and i will ignore it. Being afraid of things is worse when other people arn't afreaid of it. It makes me feal weaker then I already am, and everyone is so ready to push me throuh the fear, and then I freak out, and brake down. And it's my fault for freaking out. Honelsy I dont know what I should do, and i think im the only one. But hey, Im alright rigth now, And maybe I can push my self to save this file and brush my teeth. My key bord sucks, and im dyslexic, and I so badly want to fix all the spelling erors but I probibly wont. Wish me luck if you want. Thank you for using your eyes on this meaningless garbige, chatch ya next time.
(2/9/2024) There a few pwople who keep wispering and i cant focuse on the leson hapning rn so ill wright instead lol. In ASL guse what! I didnt have to present!!! but that means ill have to turn it in via video wich is the worst!!! but its beter than having to work on it when I dont know halff the words!!! ok, also theres a dance showcase, I hope the dances are good, I think its the older students so thats good, I'm trying to learn to type faster I think i'ts going kinda well, but not a lot, Were talking about agriculture, Its fine I gusee, But I know most of this already, I dont know why I know about it so mutch. I need to study geoligy more, Like, Im not knolegable on crystel compounds but I want to be, Also can the other people stop talking? Any was I will also need to read more, But the teachers talking about Global suply chain. oh ya, the counter, It might not work because I dont know how to work it, aswell as the fact I have mis spelt everything I think and I don't have spell check. The people in my class will not be qwuite, cant pay atention to shit, oh well. my back hurts, and so dose my legs, like the musles in the front top of my legs. thys? thighs? Idc, not in anatomy. How many words do I have to put in here before I have the longest text ever... I dont know. Oh god my coughf was bad, it intruped class. Shhhhhhhhh anyways. Rocks, I know about the hardness scale, 1-10, mesured by which can scratch what. A dimond is the hardest, at 10, because it cant be scrached by aanything other than dimond. I also think fractur paterns are cool as heck. Some things shater when the brake, like glass, but some fracture, into shapes, Geomitree. The way layers layer, and paterns that form are less of my knolege, so I need to study that. I hope someone looks over my sholder and asuoms Ime codeing. because It loosk cool, I keep looking up at the bord as thought Im taking notes on this, so some might thunk thats what Im doing, also I think the dance shocase is soon, I hope so, I hope I get to sit in the back because its darker wich is beter for compfort. I cant handle ramom converstaitons this is driving me mad, like my sholders, I keep siting up and poping my sholders because they ake. ack? no ake. It feals like I have something on my back and itd bothering meeeeee badly. also I didnt realsie how wide the neck is on this shirt, the one im wareing curentyl, Like I knew a bit, but I asumed that its because its a big shirt, Ive worn this shirt sence 4th grade. It still fits fine. wired. Am I ugly? The thing is I dont look at myslef, I dont care what I look like, but when people complenmt me or point out something like my cloths, or hair, or pose in photos it remidns me that the are seeing a face, a human face, and a human body, like wow, thats some sci-fi stuff r something I am a human? Jk all lte'rs are figments of your imagination. Ok wached the dance showcase, I hate siting in the creeky chairs, and i didnt sit by my frends OR in the dark booo. Some of the dances were realy good! some were a litle below my expectations, but hey- I coun't do the baciscs of what they do, expetaily sence my everything is hurt a bit. It was cold today, I knew I should have brang a scarf, of gloves, or a hat! I don't have any beanies and I kinda want one. Green one, like mossy green. The word autism is a mash of Autos, refering to self, and the sufux ism, meaning condion or act. The word dosent refer to a state of being yourself though, but more of being stuck inside your head. It's probibly because commen syptoms included avoiding eye conteact, slower learning, not geting jokes or sotial cues and jestures, odd factial expreshions/ not reconising fatial expreshions, selective mutizm, nonverbal, aditory prosseseing isues, and spisific intrests. Not geting others, only likeing certen things, misuderstanding or seamingly ignoreing comunication, is going to look like your only focused on whats in your mind, its comen for people to look of at nothing when lost in thought, not respond. Not geting/giving sotial cues also can look like disrespect, like not saying goodmorieng, or not smiling back. I was going to keep explaining this but, I had to leave and now im back and I wana discribe a fake film instead. So it opens with orcasta music, the narroriater begins tell a story of time, and its biluding up empsusi, soft colors with blury black leters, spelling love being to focuse "The strongest emotion people can have is" a hand apears with a spray can and wrights FEAR on what we now realise is a windo "fear" Theres a tremalo and the music stops, screan black, and you can hear rain, cam cuts to a rainy street, and zooms in on a leaf, its misty and cool. Cam cuts again to spred up footege of a flower growing and then wilting, serounding this is then 4 more flowers, doing the same thing, it riples out multiping the number of serounding flowers, it starts ripling from other directions too, its morfed into the ocen waves. thunder now cruches in the distance and the sea gets darker. CUT I yell at person explaing this sean (its me) because I just rembered why I brang up the word autism, I feeal selfish. But that dosent make any sence, and then I realised, the word I was looking for was self obssesed! But it still didnt realy explaine it, And I thought about the badly named name for autizm. Trapd, focused, stuck in ones mind. Well that kinda fits the best. Im allover the place, because "I" am up here in my mind so much. The thoughts keep coming, and I "Know" better, but do I? Trying to figure it out is like trying to unederstand 15+4x=23 if you dont know what variables are, or the fact your supost to be solving for X, And when you do start to understand, and ask for help by asking "hey what is 20-8" and then they look at you wiered because how did you get eather of those numbers? Nevermind, um so when I say traped in my mind, I mean all I do is think about things but there serculateing like germs in a locked room with a fan, the few times I open my mouth (or write aperently) I end up saying a mix of apsilutly random over-anlised misunderstood ocationaly emotional thoughts and maybe a few other things. Dont be like the sun. something something is air. sorry this song is realy catchy. Back to lte-ing I've wrote the word I a lot, mainly because its the prooun used to discribe one's self from there perspective, and this is all form my perspective, I'm talking in 1'st person afterall. Spice04 then sugested atempting second person, but they seamd too much a fool to write like that. Sadly, Spice continued to try explaing there suroundings, hands typing out viuswal imput such as "there was a computer wich would glow" and other poor discrptions. I give up. This is mine, im going to mention me me me me me me in here as much as I want too. Yet that brings me back to my point, When I explaine something, I belive that Im sure of what I'm saying. Well thats not true, I uswaly know I know nothing. But sometimes I forget, and say the dumbst thing, or somethin that can be taken in so many directions. Mostly wrong directions. And its frustrating, because the way people take it almost never that im thinking, and then i worry silentlly, trying to figure out how to resay/ say something els that will fix my mistaken take, and then they will see "me" the way I want them too!!" but then I qwickly reasie Im not sure who I am, and then I am sure of who I am, and then i'm back at sqware one. What I'm saying, is it's hard being so stupid and so smart. I am aware of how cringe I am, and how it's ok to exist, and how people don't need to know my every litle isue, and how I keep everything botled up, and how I say everything I truly think, but it cntricids what i think, and now i feal difrent and realise what I said was pointless becaus it couteracts what I said yesterday. Funny story, dispite me Idetifing as some insufrable stuck in my own head kinda person, I learnd I was autistic once I kept hearing autistic's with adhd say it was like they were liveing contradiction. And I finaly thought: wow thats a good one, I will use that haha! Oh and then I realised that I did not understad what autiszm was or why i was relating to the autistic people, so I thus deep-dived into it, learning all that I could. but I stil didnt think I was autistic, because me? - why would I be difrent, sure, I have like all the symptoms but Ive got it good copared to other people! And then later on, with more anailzing of my behaviore over the next year or two, I finaly acsepted the POSIBLITY. And now, actuly resarechig more, and talking to other autistic people, Im kinda overly sure. But yea, I realised wow, I am a living contration. Like everything, my wants my thoughts, my self perspetion, my belifes! and so I realsied a lot of the me being in my head came from not understanding that I wasn't simply odd, I was difrent. and also compleatly normal? Like, boreinly avrage un-spetially spetial. And then I was able to reconsie and understand who I was, and also truly undersand who you are ("you" as in everyone ever) who we are. I hear some parents who know about there kids disablitys hide it from them becuse they dont want ther kid to feal ostrasised or difrent. like wow, now your kid will be excluded for seamingly no reson and hate fealing difrent because everyone happaly asures them they are totaly the same as should be the same as "normal people" Its like the story of the ugly ducklying, in the end, they were all ugly, and one just hapend to be a swan, not a spetial duck. Ok ill drop this topic off here, ive got another one late for socker practice, who thinks its my fautl and will nolonger talk to me... LEMON DEMON look at the lyres of the song Fire Motif: [Nature's hot burning parasite/ I'll be hoping for rain tonight/ Maybe time will extinguish me/ But no one knows where this time may be/ Spontaneous combustion of the soul Love, pain, and such emotions are the coal/ Smoke, burning, sparks, and red fire!] there is a strange box that says hide. um Im not going to press it, maybe its a comand though? should I go hide? I dont want to. But it's not going away aaaaa!!!1 So yes, this song, I want hte lyercal talent to wright such a blessad cured lyris. Its litelry just about how fire can be a motif for anything, but also dammmmn the part that repeats, like geez the instrments are the best. wowowo buddy there i wrote qwite the wall, :D !!! I wonder if this is my longest entry? so far ofcores. Never trust me, never trust the text wich flows with the fluidness of rock. Nevver trust the jaged curved edges of a circal. I think Im going to draw or eat fake pizza. hope you enjoyed lossing your ablity to comprehenend both sides of the ciclerler box we call redonculus. eat cake next time!
(2/14/2024) Have you ever just ben able to tell everything about a person without even taking to them, you just hear ther conversations? Maybe you look at them for a second. This girl has a big bright talor Swift shhirt, and a ponytail. Her frind just admited to not knowing her name corectly. Before this person got here, another friend did. She complmented this kid's hair and they said nothing. Then the friend who didnt know her name, came on and complement thier hair, wich got a "thank you" in a reply. She started talking, and the first friend intrupts them for a full minut about how ugly she finds the random boy outside. This Girl is suffering. Theyr taking about Valintins, and they wont shut up about how "ugly" other kids are. ??? Why do people act like this. 0-0 I worrrie Im being mean all the time, I dont say or do things like those girls, buy sometimes I will rant tbout other people who make me slightly angry. Wich is the worst. I don't like being mad at a person for a thing there going to forget by the next hour. I hate hateing people ok? I need to reserch it more, but I may have OCD. I want to explaine this, but I also don't. Mostly because if I don't have ocd then I dont know why I have thise horible thoughts. I was about to type the tamest example but It actuly revolting, and it was honetly kinda normal thoguht. Guys, I have a confeshion, I'm the thought police from the book giver. wait, no, from the book- 1991? it was a date at least, I know that. '98? I never read the book. Buy you know what I have read? The verry Hungry Catipiler, witch you should vote for as best book 2024. Oh yes, it's valintiseday I like valentises, byt more of a, I like puting hart shaped things everywere and dressing in red and pink. Im a fan of decore and apreshiation. Theres a lot of biter things too, like everyday. Being in love sucks, I wish I was never atracted to people ever. I wish proplr cared eqwaly, like as if it was fully a choise to care. You can care as a fealing, but caring is also an act. I just want everyone to try to care. Think about how other people feal, and make them feal beter. That's not eqivelent to forecing them to go party, or telling them to chear up, or even how grate they are, I mean you could do those things, but truly thinking about the uniqe individuwal. I perfrer to try a more qwite way. Instead of telling them I know they are sad, I like to make them laughf, I try to make sure what I say or do always has a clear option to reget it too. I realise people find it most comfort when they know they have control of what they do, without some long emotional consiqwnce to me. I am aware I don't know everything, and that sometimes I know more than others. Many people left me becuase I made mistakes, because I was dumb, or because they were dumb. We hurt eachother even when we try not too. I get hurt by things that nobody else dose. Wether it be words or simply sounds. Reaching for someones hand when they claw at your wrist is hard, and you dont need to do it, But It's qwite nice to know someone sees you as a full human being besides your faluts, and your grateness. So I stive to let everyone know at least
DANGIT! i didnt finish wrighting yesterday, also the wrighting was bad? WHAT THE HELL ME! shut up about your stupid redemion complex about wishing makeing other feel good makes you less shity. The other, thing is, I know people don't need me in spsicfic, mostly. I have a second big problem with tring to please everyone, I CANT! YOU CAN'T!!! And im not talking about like, "oh, some people just dont like you" I mean in everyday conversations. When you(I) try so hard to match everyone, even when your not this way around the others, trying to sit in a groop of thises friends, or worse, a CLASS with a grop of friends, how am I supost to act? WHO KNOWS? myself? but them im too much for one person, or too less for another! then I end up trying not to talk, wich makes my friends talk to eachother and then they become beter friends wich means more groop hangout, and they they think I dont want to be there, and now "we" dont hang out anymore together. Also I am a fool, a dumbass, a bit-ch~ And I will avoide people at seamingly random. honestly ew, my words, ewwww my statements AAAGGG I want to put someting actuyley intrsting in here. But uhhhhgg I cant just leave it on this notet, this ugly note. I LOVE MY FRIENDS!!! they make me a beter person, and realise my flaws, and make me feel like a full human being, and I want to be aroudn them and there the bessssssssssttttttt I WANT TO LIVE life around thises people!!! I didnt know that was a fealing untill like 8th grade!! I had friends before, they were grate, but i didn't think I was good enuf to be aroudn them, I always wanted to be the best in there eyes. And then I met Kat, she just started taking to me. ME. the kid who avoided your eyes, and made short replies. I tryed to pull away from this stranger, I tryed to escape the fate of having to mold to another person, But I noticed she wasn't leaving. I wasnt going to let myself look like a jerk so I finaly begain being her friend back. this time, I set boundries with myself, like: dont lie, dont fricking agree when you dont want too, ect... And she was (drum rool please) dat dat dat, STILL my friend. And then my face would fall, and I realised, Not everyone in the world Is going to hate me as I am. Because I am a body with meomories, and emotions. thats just what people are! And dispite my stupidody, and my emotions, and my mistakes, and my intrestest
everything will be ok. everything will be ok. everything will be ok. my problems come second. im sorry. im going to spill all my sole to a stranger again. I know it. I know so many things, and I only make them worse. I know nothing. Sleap peacfully, angles wach you if you belive in them. 2/20/2024 at 12:05.
I (2/23/2024) thought i'd wright something a litle more personal, and insitefull today, thankyou for reeding the follwing, and if you decided not to read todays entry, GO TO HEL- annywho meow meow meow moew meow meow mewo meow, MEOW! meow meow mewo meow, meow, mewo mewoooooooowW Nothing bad ever happens ever. meowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww w w w w w w(echo-ech o-e c h o) echo is the name off the cheekface drummer from cheekface the band. I love cheekface, i love thier music. I should deleat all my other entrires and start from here for the funnys. I want to eat the bag-els they sing about. SINGAPORE is the name of a place. The way my casetn works, makes spelling worse, I just typed blace instead of place! I fixed it thought, but the reson was, when i kinda mumbled it while typeing, [i always muble type] i said (lips closed pah- laysee) wich sound like bah-lays and i was saying it faster, and p is just a teniny tiny ity-bity longer sound to make then b. I do this with other sounds too, but Im not goignt to explane all of them. ASKD is my leaast favorit word for this though, Ask-d ka, duh, ask-d aska-da is a terible word sound to make, its not fluid! So insteade we here in the location in witch i am, say ASK-t but sometimes the t is so silent you only hear "ask(mouth keeps moving)" with enghf space to realise they said askd. ick. ok, ive tryed reeeelllly hard not to think of original chacters for ... sonic the heagehog, IM NOT 13 anymore!! wich means now i can indepth wrigth storys about original and pre existign chacter in the sonic the heagehog univers. ow my cat scatched me eairlyer and i just realised now. Back to the most important thing in the world: HEDGEHOGS. actuly my favorit animal is the maned wolf. HEDEGHOGS!!! or howere theyr spelt, (wait seriusly, spelt? thats british!? in english its: spelled- NOPe im britsh now ive decided) So, there is a chacter callded Silver the heagehog, acording to all fans ever, he is like a litle insect, a bug, a picec of weed. I agree compleatly. His head is the weed leaf. I dont know who made him like this but i thank them. Hes a white hedgehog from mobius, well mobius in THE FUTIURE!!! He has golden yellow eyes, and smol ears, oh and on his weed head, he also had too long spikes, instead of a patern like sonic, its more like shadow with a lil fluf on the front, he has knee hight boots, mostly black with cyan toe arya of the shoes... I dont know know how to describe shoes, I would normaly avoide shose in all aryas of life but there uswaly important features in SONIC THE HEAGEHOG so i can't, the top rim of the boots. Gold barings that can magicly open up with a cyan glow
oops i forghot to keep wrighting oh well. HOW THE HELL AM I SUPOST TO NOT FAIL CLASS. um.
(2/25/2024) woke up from a terible dream where i had somehow forgot to mention "METAL SONIC" is not a hevymetal enjoyer, but rather named metal, as his flesh is litlerly metal. hes a robot not a rock star. this was reALLLY IMPORTANT. i mean maybe he also lisnes to metal music, but its not yet cannon to my knolge, normal sonic definly dose, um. Ok good night now (this was all writen at 11:12)
(3/3/2024)
OH NO OH AHHHH gahahhhb abhbdhbc ooowwww my mindddd. I GOT A BIT SCARED, a bit worried, that i am infact burdining anyone who could even momantarily like me. Like "oh someone may care about me? THAT WOULD SUCK" AAAAAAAAaaa and then i write stupid things, i write a blured apoligey on how im so sorry i ever made them think about me. AAAAAA i want to rip my skin to picese. leave marks were my nails scatchd my face. But i WONT. AAAAAAAGGGHHh...... Im sooooo lost. i am .... so not thinking stait. If you somehow have read the whole thing like, right now, you would notice my thouhts change all the time and itsss horrribbbllleee..... AAAAAAAHHHHHHH gggggg. H #ell #eck. # looks like an H. Ok ill finaly admit the worst contirdion i have, my biggest flaw, my most ugly side. I THINK IM GRATE. I think that people should like me, and I desarve respect. I think im some sorta hero. AND I WANT SOMEONE TO KNOCK ME DOWN FORM THIS PEDISTOOL, anytime anyone ever looks u to me, that lilte voice, that says: "I knew it, you were a hero!" apperes, and i want to strangle it. The truth is im just a person. And i'm stupid, and selfish, and a lier (not the instrment) and ive' made mistakes that hurt people, infact I still hurt people now!!1 And I want to keep trying to be good, but i want that feeling, that not only tells me its good, but that I AM GOOD, that I am just, To die in red hot fire. I want someone to beat me up with a shuovle, someone beter than me, to crush my head in. And then the dicusting part that selfsihly begs to die heroicly, I dream of a worthy death, of saveing people in the end. I CANT EVEN SPELL. and now only you, my most amazin lte reader will here me admit this. Thats why I dont trust myself, I dont want anyone to love me when i ocasionaly have such a hightent view on myself i my head. What if i make someone actuly think im beter then them? I would want to stragle myslef, thats what. I want to be grate, but I feel moments away from sinking into that fanticy? that I deserive everything. I logicly know i don't. But the mear thougth makes me shake. What if people care about me more that I care about them? I want that so bad, but I would hate myself for it. The worst part is I am only cosidering this something worth opening up about because of TWILIGHT VIDEO ESAY. Im dead. Honeslty I never proof read my writings, so uhh the part im sure about in all of this: is I'm to scared to be in a relationship, i m so scare of trying, of failin and truly: "What if people care about me more that I care about them? I want that so bad, but I would hate myself for it."- somehting i said like a minut ago. Witch is also painfull to think about because why would anyone actuwally love me more than myself, also a stuid selfish thought. Ignore the previous parts of my entree, Im leavign it here to fill the space. Viloent thougths about dieing are realy only good for wrigting draamtic stories tbh. Theres a netflix series about a dnd party thats looking for its healer, who is dead, and cooking mosters and eating them. I love it. a lot. I wish I had pankcakes for breakfast. Everthing I say is stupid. why can't I shut up? nonscence is what I make, not even 1 cence. My body is heavy and breathin is afual, who disined that? I bet they also disighnd teeth. When I'm around people its like i have no brain, but alone the thoughts never end. end. evere. ever, I am insaineeeee..... isantiy. rambling lost, antempting to use the words ive heard, covay a feelinh, covaying a story, but never getin it right, i cant stick to one thing. I dont have a gole past contiueing. But i have so many wants. Am I the choices of the options? Will anyone undersand, will anyone respond? can I comunicate, can i stop brakeaing the rules of my mind. to qwote nieal ciscaraga "Your thoughts are flexibal, but somehow you have broken them" MAybe the answeere realy is spining aroung and around. Forgeting everything. I'd like that. To forget it all, to feel no need for conection, just genral convuesion and leave. Dose a fealing have to be true? The more I write I think it dosnt. Ficalsal storys that can make you feel somehing without haveing asome readble transatable meaning. SO mabybe its ok that I make mistakes and fearfull works of ugly hateable art. Being alive. Beanging dead. When your dead you cant realy be at rest. We truly look at the other side like there is paridice.What if this is it? woulnt that be nice, to realise your opions are all you are, or that you dont need to care about who you are. I realy dont, If i make people hate me, maybe I should just deal with it. Stop woriing, and sending conserd texts, and wrighting scarry lte entrees. Just stop worring, Say what I do and let people hate me. I can reget everything, but maybe i should stop trying to fix it untill im old and dieing, then ill have something to do later. Im sorry bur, Im sorry I said I wanted to just be friends. From what youve said about your previuse girlfireds, I am a litlt too unstable for you to want me ever again. But thats ok maybe. I need to let you chosies if you want to keep taling to me. I need to stop trying to predict the future and then ignore everything. Im sorry to woe, Im sorry I can't make you feel safe. Im sorry rocks, i hate you alot for no reso then i hate myself. And the list gose on forever. and ever and ever and ever and ever and evere and im the only one who can stop it. Maybe i shount ignore it, but try something else, Ive tryed contradicting it, saying i dont need to apoliges, but that makes me fall into that hero complex, so i gota kill that. Maybe i should just scream and die, but that would be unrlated and solve none of it. Maybe i should apaligyes to myself. I dont want to try that, so I gusee i will go ack to ignoreing it for now, ive got to go sleep anyways!! its 11:59 am, good mornihg night.
(3/4/2024)
Ha, you thought I would go to sleep! look at you, you are a fool. I'm awake. And now i can change the subject to whatever I WANT! withouth ofcirse, feeling uterly un-natreul, some might even say, SUPERNATRAT!!! i would start rambling about supernatal, but i'd rather watch it. I hate hereing myslef talk about my intrests, unsless ofcurse i revise it about 30 times, and turn into a vieo. But nonethe less, I love hereing other people talk about theure intrest more. I sometimes don't understand and will need them to explne, but if that dosnt make them mad then its uswaly an enjoyable experience. My friend who got me into supertnatral rambles a lot about things, and i realy like hearing him talk about it and other things. Sometime he, and others, will say something that i can onyl call, #relatable and i know sotaily, they expect me to be #shocked. So I act like that, but truly i wana just say same. TELL ME ABOUT THINGS YOU LIKE, you feel, you think about, tell me stoirs you made up.and ignore my staile emotinaless reaction, i love every word you say, i love hereing about stranges shows, strange bordgames, strane colections, strangs feelings!!!! GIVE ME YOUUR MIND IN AS MANY WAYS AS YOU WANT!!! comuntcating is hard, but i like reseaving comunication. its nice reseaving and being there. thankyou all for existing, i hope reading my meany words is at least an intrestin experence :> Now im going to wach some dude kill eachothe while speaking laten. Byreeee brrrryyyyy byyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. night night.
(3/6/2024)
Ok, I need to get my game on, my wrightings not fun to read, it makes my friend worry. SO SO so so so and then some. so some. sum. sober. somber, soda, sodiem. sole, solem. Soran. scorn. SCIENCE. Ok schience. shhy hence. sly tence. SCIENCE. Bill nie the science guy. I have a graphing standered to do, but i cant copy and pastes the numberes into the cart, and thus im veery unable to fo it. It would reqwire me to stugle with my dyscaluliea which is the worst of the worst, spelling mistakes, gramer, genral in-compatenvce, its anoying, but when i cant math im just plain done with it. Why do i need to rembere numbers and the order they go in? Why must I recall the times table, or the sqare root? thats stupid, and not my responisblity. In science all i have to do is coppy the numbers, and compare them, and eexplain them in a graf, but theres a lot of numberes and i dont want to put all of them in a GRAPH!!?? google sheets is hard to use too, and I dont want to do this at all. And this was dew the bigning of last month, and i have, posibly 2 days to fish it??? BOO!! *fin-ish it i may add, Its not in the water lost at sea, but I wish it was. Wheat am I right? apples chat. Ive also got to win at tryplanitary, no not the novle, the bordgame. AND I need to play dnd, well i played yesterday but i wish we played like everyother day damn :( I havent fished my asl video eather, nor turn in any of my math asinments, and im beinging to not fully comprehend, or at least slowly comprehend my math lessons wich is freking me out a bit. Im not enjoying those lines and stuff. the litle __|\ (turn it upside-down) SO YEA IM A LITLE idk actuwaly. At the moment im not super stressed. Im woried about things but the preshers not there. Im tired and kinda wish i could lay donw in a nean bag and read. tecneicly i need to read for ap geo, I'd rather not realy but listing to it on the screen readers not too bad, I coought up on qwite a few chapteres that way. YAAY acssesiblity helps people!! Ok now I word more but im bizzy, Ive got science to do. Ok
(3/10/2024) ow emotuinal damge -245 My dad decided to let me know he thinks "they" are divideing familys... and also how he wish eveyone would stop dieing/ leaving/screaming at him. wich yea, everyone is doing that. also ow my insides -4444444444444444. anyway, he also told me mroe about his past. wow hes one tramitesd person, idk how he manged to stay this stable for so long. And oh yea im totaly gona fail my classes, but scareyer than the blood sarifeces of my dads politics, are: is my friend ok? are you ok? will you be safe?? im going to ask you from more than vagly metnioning this in a neo-citys lte entree, but i needed to say this here first. Im glad im back into a new sercies, this ones wired waky posibly chick flick styled, but beter than obbsesing over the comidy show: comunity and also sonic or tmnt, itxssssss SUPERNATRAUL there gay. the angel castiel is gayer than gay, anyways ill sleep and wrigth a beter entry in the morening good night.
(3/13/2024) take of your sunglasses, and the world becomes bright and clear. Lisent to the world around you. Sccreaming screatching monky brains. I am going perfectly sanes, Ive got a world to live apon and now the ground sleeps at dawn. The ground drownds, the bird waching from the tree, I crawl a cold deathly fill. THe water shakes. The moon brakes, I am flooding the land
(3/14/2024) I am once again comptimplateding deleting all this cring, but I would be set back in my lte makeing if i did. Imagen if i was realy good at words and wrighting? that would be cool. My only "talent" is in art. Msbye I'll make an art section in here too. Honesetly, I realy enjoy makeing art, but I also am beinging to hate it as a mideum. Luckly there are people out there on the internet that save my brain from thinking like that. I wach thises amazing artist, draw dumb litlte drawings, cartoonish doodles. They are having fun drawing. And then I rember why I wanted to improve at art anyways, I wanted to tell litle storys, litles comics, with more clarity! Plus its fun creating an optical illuions that people can reconise!!1 like i hust transferd information thro a visuwal meadium!!! (thats kinda crazy) Wrighting so cool thogh, even on the occastion i read other ltes, and think: "Wow the constant practice of wrighting for even something as comidic as longest-text-ever has truly created fun and intreging tanglments of sentinces I can read!" Like YOU ALL ARE COOLER now, So maybe I will actuwaly get beter at wrighting, but i also need to get beter at wrighting. Maybe Ill do some reserch on asstince for dislexic students. I keep hereing of specital ed and [Im on the bus, and i heard a plane so i looked around trying to see it, and realsied that the girl next to me looks as thought she has no pants, ok its just short shorts, but its FRESEING] other "programs" to help, they say that aid works beter for younger patiencts, So I kinda want to see this aid? But im guessing its going to be "ok just practice 10x more than everyone els.... I don't realy want to have to do that. They also cansled my adhd meds. :( im gona be unmedicade for a while, or maybe forever. And by cansled i mean, the people makeing them have to stop for a while or forever aagain. they ran out of suplise or mony or soemthing. oh shoot i forgot to bring any instramints, oof. can i still say oof? I will dipite its cool-ness you know? I wonder if i will ever feel cofterble makeing people uncofterble. Thers a chactere in a show, who is verry autistic, and while hes MORE BLUNT he also acts off natraluly, and so do I. Like stareing aqaredly, and- being acqward... but I try (realy well) to act normal. I get stressd when someone looks at me too long because maybe im doing something teribly wrong. And that got me reminded me, maybe it dosent mater, and if someones going to hate for for looking ugly/odd i shouldnt care about theere opion. Thats a strsfull thought, i like careing about people. I alsow was thinking about how In the show thises chacters ares sometimes un-nessarly mean to people who have power over them, even when those people are trying to help. And i reasied, NO theyr mean-ness is nessary! they have to seam like they also deserve power, and like they cant ceep being controled, and not just in genral, but spisifvcly twards the people who want to take aadvantige of him. Wich makes full circal back to the honners compastion lesson about what makes odddiusus a hereo vs hubaris. And sometimes, standing up to defend your honer, isnot selfish, but rather a respectible act of self presevation and protecction. If people understand you cant contuidusly atack them withough geting hurt (killd) then they were going to keep comeing back. No in life i dont want to say to aply this in a war like stratige (that would be dumb) But genraly standing up for your own existance rather then bending at will to everyone may asist me in manifestiong an identiy. Maybe even a good one. SO Ok now im at school, what do i wright about? supernatral??? is today ana rt class??? i think it is, i dont mind that. I am enjoying the moment, half the moment, the other half is qwite sad. But its ok, i can shhove those felings in hat, liek all the other messes i have! Goddddd im gona get mroe food if i can. night.
I ... wait, (3/15/2024
(3/19/2024) I think I should just write down what I hear people say. like a moment ago, I just heard a conversation were one kid likes pen, and the other prefers pencile. The one with the penicl said: well a pencil is beter because you can just erase your mistakes. The one with a pen said: Thats the part i don't like! and the so pencil guy says: What- you dont have truble drawing circles? and theone with the pen sai: well thats why i dont draw fucking circles!
(3/26/2024) they blocked neocityes so i may have to say goodbye to my lilte corner of space. But I want to let you know some stuff first. I might have wrote this eairlyer, or not, but here. My friend came over, and she told me about what she wated in the futre, like the life she wishes she had. A log cabben in the woods, with her friends, and a band. She told me about the random detials. And that made me reailse i didnt have a thought for what I wanted my futire to look like. Or well i did, and i wanted to buy a normal looking house and then make a secreat bacemnt to cry in. Thats the most emo shit ive evere thougth, so clearly somethings wrong if im PLANING to hid, and im WAITING for the "Day to relece my emotions". Thats realy stupid. And then I met this guy, I kinda liked, his athstetic is amazing!! And so after depresingly wondering if I should qwit art and go build a beter (more fiting in the system) me, I realised thats stupid. and so theouhg the power of love- or mia projects, i realised that that was also emo and stupid. I realy need to get a beter hold on my whole, "hateing the big autisitic bitch i am" And tonight, while being sick and listin to epic music [lemon demon hyper world & flamingo legs is seriusly my life rn wich is verry conserning] [NOT TO METION DEEP IN THE OCEN!!!] (ok I'll stop parentheseiseing side thoughts now) ~maybe~ I thought about my grandmas house, and the upstairs. and i thoutht about rainy days and sidewalks. and i thought of tin roofs and potted plants. and I thought of bronz detailing and chiped paint. And i thought of phots i saw of my mom when she was a kid. And i thought of the blankets i had, and the jeen jacket tucked inbetewn my wall and bed. And now im qwite a lot happier. Becuase i realsied i do have wants, and theyre not crazy, and deeply, I want to be a person who takes care of themselfs. I want to care about the world. I want to create art. I want to expeinece art. I want to be cozy, and warm and safe. and I want to be cold with my hart pounding as I run throught a forest. And I want to feel the wind on my skin as the fading light from the horisen coats the world in shades of honey orange. And I want to hear the storys unravle. And i want hold people close. And i want to learn to make yummy food, and do complex math- and- an. a. I. I do want to live. Im sure I will forget that sometimes, expecitly sence ive ben hurting more ofeten. but this is a nice reminder that It changes. That we will be ok sometimes. I love you, goodnight.